I Don't Live in an Igloo
by ShotgunWedding112
Summary: Sabrina moved from great ol' Canada to go to hogwarts, and she met the marauders who changed her WHOLE aspect of the british from good, to horrible. Follow along in the idotic things that happen to this unfortunate girl. I do not own the maruaders.
1. I'm Canadian

Chapter 1

"Mom? Why do I have to go to school here in England?" I asked her for the fortieth time. " Why do I have to go learn magic with a bunch of brits? Wasn't Canada good enough!? I mean, it's my fourth year in school now, and your making me go to a NEW school!?"

My mother sighed angrily shook the rain off of her umbrella. "Because, Sabrina, school in Canada is not top notch... and also my soon to be husband doesn't want to spend his life living in Vancouver. Now hurry up! The train is leaving soon!" She shoved me toward the door. "Have fun sweetheart! Make sure you send me a letter every chance you get!"

I walked, frustrated, into the train station. I ignored my wet hair and clothes as I dragged my luggage and my owl to platform 9 and 10. I looked from one post to another, pissed off. "Okay, what the hell."

I stood there, in the middle of the train station, staring at the gap between platforms 9 and 10. "Only the goddamn English would do this shit to me. British bastards!" I said a little too loudly. People who walked by gave me angry looks. I turned bright red and moved my brown hair over my face.

"British bastards?" I looked up at a guy my age. I would've thought he was handsome if he hadn't continued to say, "Now, now, that's rather rude. Would you like it if I called you an American bitch?"

"I'm Canadian, Jackass." I muttered.

He laughed. "To-may-to, to-mah-toe."

I glared at him. "Isn't it about your tea time?"

"Isn't it about time for you to get back to your igloo?" He leaned against the wall coolly and smirked.

My eye twitched out of anger. "Pompous shithead!"

"Eskimo."

"SMARTASS!"

He scratched his head thoughtfully. "I thought Canadians were polite and respectful..."

I growled and replied, "And I thought the British were supposed to be handsome and charming. Wow. What a let down."

We glared at each other for a few long minutes, until we were interrupted by someone yelling for him. "Padfoot! Padfoot, are you bothering girls again!? You know they don't like that!"

I didn't break eye contact with the guy as his friend ran up to him.

He shoved the black-haired moron away from me and apologized. "I am so sorry about him. He didn't bother you too much did he?"

"You're taking side!? You're a traitor, Moony!" He blabbered angrily.

'Moony' shook his head and rolled his eyes. He stuck out his hand. "I'm Remus Lupin." I shook his hand. "I'm Sabrina Capp."

"And I'm Sirius Black!"

"Shut up please." Remus commanded. Sirius pouted and went to go sulk in a corner. I laughed at his childness. "You're new this year right? I heard about you. You're supposed to go with one of the teachers and the first years to get sorted."

"Lovely. First years," I commented dryly.

Remus shrugged. "C'mon, the train is leaving soon." He grabbed his stuff and walked straight into a wall thing. I stared, wide eyed and confused, as he disappeared.

"Uhhhhh…. Did he just-?"

"Yup. Didn't they do that at your old school? Oh wait, you must've used some sort of igloo force."

I glared at Sirius. "Ha-ha. Funny."

He smiled smugly. "I try." "Actually, at my old school, it was just a door. That was locked. And you had to use Alohamora to open it. See, we had a lot of idiots there."

"Interesting… Come on then, we have to get to the train." He grabbed my arm and my stuff- my owl started freaking out- and dragged me at it over to the wall. I closed my eyes and held my breath as we walked through it. When I opened my eyes I saw an amazing red train and tons of people. "C'mon, lets go put our stuff on the train."

"Uh-okay" I followed him as he led me towards the train. He shoved his stuff and mine into a compartment on the outside of the train. I kept my backpack on, I needed to change into my robes on the train.

"Padfoot!" Sirius and I turned to the right - well, left for him - to see a short light haired boy running towards us, waving his arm. "Padfoot guess what!"

The tall Sirius looked town at his small friend and replied enthusiastically, "What!?"

"I grew an inch this summer! Isn't that awesome?" He squeaked happily.

"That's great!" Sirius exclaimed, ruffling his excited friend's hair. "Ah, Wormtail, this is Sabrina. Sabrina, meet Peter Pettigrew."

"Hey," I greeted.

"Hello." He looked up at me and smiled.

"Shall we be ge-AHH!" in the middle of his sentence, Sirius was jump-tackled by a black haired boy with glasses. He sat on top of Sirius - Sirius on his stomach - and started talking.

"Padfoot, I have the best idea I have ever had to get Lily this year. It took forever to come up with, but I did it! She's mine this year! MINE I TELL YOU, MINE! MUHAHAH-" He stopped when he noticed me and Peter laughing. He blinked a few times. We heard some mumbling from Sirius.

The boy cleared his throat uncomfortably and got off of Sirius. He tried to compose him self as Sirius attempted to stand.

"Hello. I'm Sabrina."

"I'm James Po- ARGH." He got smacked in the head mid-sentence by Sirius. "What the bloody hell was that for!?"

Sirius didn't reply, he just walked away, smirking.

"So," I started, looking at James. "Whats this "YOURS YOU TELL ME, YOURS! MUHAHAHAHA" thing your talking about?"

"Oh well you see, Li-"

Remus interrupted him by walking over to us and examining James' head.

"Moony, what are you doing?" James asked, curiously.

"Prongs, why do you have gum in your hair?" Remus asked.

James' eyes widened as he felt the back of his head. "THAT BASTARD!"


	2. Gum issues

Chapter 2

"It's not... It's not _that_ bad," I told James as he pouted in the train.

He leaned over me and growled at Sirius, who was sitting beside me. (I was between Sirius and James, and Peter and Remus were on the other side) "Your right. It's not bad. ITS HORRIBLE! I'm going to have to get my hair cut!"

"Your such a baby!" Sirius exclaimed.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?" James jumped over me and started fighting with Sirius. I let out a horrified scream as they started having a really lame fight.

"Remus," I whispered quietly.

"Yeha?"

"I'm scared."

He laughed and returned to his book. "Okay, will you two STOP IT!?" They instantly paused and looked at me. "Okay, James, stop whining and go back into your little corner."

"HAHA! Yeah!" Sirius yelled.

"And you!" I poked his nose angrily as I spoke. "Shut the hell up and apologize to him!"

"But I can't apologize!" God I was so annoyed with him right there.

"And why is that?" I swear to god I was ready to rip off his head just about then.

He smiled and replied, "Well, you told me to shut up. I can't possible speak when you tell me to be quiet. That would be going against you."

I growled loudly and he jumped over to Remus and clinged onto him. "Moooonyyyyy! She's being meeaannn!" He said in an extremely whiny tone.

He closed his book and turned to the overdramatic Sirius. "And what would you like me to do about that?"Sirius pointed at me and stated, "Burrnn herrrr attt the staaaaaaaaaakkkeeeee!" he stretched out every word for effect.

"I can't do that."

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?" Sirius whined louder.

He turned to me. "Because that would be murder and murder is wrong."

Sirius frowned and went back to sit beside me. "Damn." He glared at me then huddled into a little corner.

Mature.

"Hey, James, I can try to get the gum out if you want me to," I offered.

"Really?" He asked.

"Yeah. My cousin used to get gum in her hair all the time. I'm an expert at getting it out."

He hesitated, then agreed. He turned his head so that I had access to the blob of gum and I attempted to get it out. "Erm... Sirius?" I said quietly.

"Yes?""This was in your mouth, wasn't it?"

I could practically hear him smirk behind me. I scrunched my nose in disgust. "That's disgusting."

"That's nothing!" James said in a happy tone. "Last year, during Christmas, he and Remus were under the mistletoe, and since they didn't want to kiss each other, Sirius licked the side of Remus' face instead."

"James, I thought we agreed that it would never leave that room." Remus whispered from behind his book.

"It's out!" I exclaimed, the gum in my hand. James snatched it. "Great!" He reached over me and shoved it into Sirius' hair. I glowered at him.

"Of course. It would have been way too civilized for you to just throw it out." I said over the yells and screams of "my hair! MY HAIR!" from Sirius.

Sirius looked extremely sad at his now ruined hair. What can I say? I took pity on him. I sighed deeply. "Turn around."

His face lit up at the thought of his precious hair being fixed.

"James that was extremely immature," I told him, frustrated.

"But definitely worth it."

I glared at him. Sirius winced as I accidently pulled his hair. "Oh! Sorry!" I struggled more with the gum.

When it was finally out I held it in the air and exclaimed "YES! IT'S OUT!"

Sirius grabbed it, and James reached for it too. Sirius shoved the gum in his pants, thinking that it would stop James, but it didn't.

What a bunch of fricken morons.

James shoved his hand into Sirius' pants.

I cannot explain how weird that looked.

"Have you no shame?" Remus questioned from behind his book.

"James, that is really weird looking!" Peter squeaked.

Luckily- or unluckily, whatever you think after what I say here- James dropped the gum as Sirius tackled him for it. I caught it. They turned to me, crazy looks in their eyes. Ready to kill.

Goddamn. The British are INSANE.

The idiots reached for the gum at the same time, I had no idea where to put it. I panicked, and did the most disgusting thing ever.

Have any idea what it is?

Well when I did it everyone stared at me like I was insane.

Well, I'll tell you what I did. I shoved it in my mouth. The taste was extremely odd. It tasted kind of fruity, with a hint of hairspray. There were bits of hair in it too(god I hoped it was just from their head if you catch my drift!). I gagged a bit, but forced it down.

"DID YOU JUST EAT THAT!?" James yelled.

"How does it taste?" Sirius questioned, actually curious.

"There is NO WAY that that can be healthy. Think about it, that muggle junk sticks in your stomach for _years!_"

In a flash the image of Sirius shoving the gum in his pants floated across my eyes. I turned green. Well, not really, but you know what I mean.

"I think I'm going to be sick!"


	3. The Wand

Chapter 3

"I am SO sorry!"

"No, really, I'm SUPER sorry!"

"Please don't be mad!"

"...""I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry!"

"I'm BEYOND sorry!"

"I'll buy you a new one!"

Sirius got to his knees and hugged my legs and pleaded. Yes that's right, SIRIUS. Not me.

See, I didn't hurl on him or anyone or anything. But I did hurl. Here's what happened.

On the moment of gagging, Sirius threw me- well, more like shoved me- into the window. Yes, I missed anything inside with us, but he also succeeded in ripping my shirt. And, of course, exposing most of my body.

What sucks is that it was my uniform. Since I was standing there with most of my body exposed, Sirius took the liberty of "kindly"- more like frantically- taking off James' shirt- yes, James' (why, I do not know)- And throwing it to me. He then covered his eyes with his left hand, and covered the now shirtless James' eyes with his right. Remus and Peter had shut their eyes the second they heard a rip.

This brings me back to the apologizing. He was harassing me in the compartment thing. Begging for forgiveness. I was bright red at how I had been almost fully exposed- thank god for bras- in front of four extremely odd boys. Boy, do I just_ love _England. (Note the sarcasm)So I sat there in the corner where James used to be sitting, leaning my head against the window, I tried to forget everything that just happened. Oh, and I was till wearing James' shirt. It was that or walk around in nothing but my undergarment. Lovely.

James' shirt... really weird...

I wanted to ask why it smelled like cheap cologne, but I decided to just shut up for a while. I didn't want to interrupt Sirius.

"Sabbbrrriiinnnaaaaaa!" Sirius whined. I stayed silent. I heard whimpering so I decided to at least look at him as he begged. How can I explain what I saw?It's like, you see this little puppy tied to a tree. All alone. All he wants is a little bit of kibble. That's all. So it sits at your feet and gives you these big eyes that are so endearing that you just HAVE to give it what it wants.

As much as I'd like to say what Sirius was doing was the complete opposite, it wasn't. His eyes were wide and pleading.

"Sirius, that isn't fair. You can't pull the puppy-dog look every time someone is mad at you," Remus sighed.

Sirius got closer. And closer. He became so close that I could see every little detail of his eyes. This was too close for comfort. I reached for his wand which was a few inches away from my hand. I reached for it. It was hard. Ew, sexual innuendo! I'm talking about his wand okay!...THERE IS NO WAY TO MAKE THIS SOUND NORMAL SO JUST SHUT UP!

I moved the wand up. And just like that, I shoved it up his nose. He jumped up and screamed "ITS STUCK ITS STUCK OH MY GOD ITS STUCK!"

He jumped all around the compartment as we all watched. Remus was grinning behind his book. I could just TELL. He was SO enjoying this.

Sirius yanked at the wand but it seemed to be stuck up there.

He pointed at me as the wand just stood there partially in his nose and glared at me. "You, miss bitch, are PURE evil!"

"Hey, just be happy I didn't stick it somewhere more painfull."

He stood there for a second, apparently trying to figure out where I was talking about. His face scrunched up, the wand kind of wiggled, and he looked at Remus. " ARE YOU LAUGHING!?"

"Of course he is!" I laughed. "There's a wand stuck up your nose!"

James was playing with it. He started flicking it like a switch.

"Prongs, what are you doing?" Remus asked.

"I was hoping maybe he would turn on and off with the wand. I'm disappointed."

Sirius turned to me. "take it out. NOW."

"No, I don't want to."

"WHAT!?" he screamed.

"Take it out or I'll…. I'll……"

I looked at him. "You'lll….?"

He searched for something to say. Then, to my displeasure, a wide grin grew on his face. I swear his head turned around- wand in nose- just like in the exorcist.

He stuck his finger in his mouth and pointed it towards me. "Or I'll give you a wet willy."  
I stared at him. "You don't have the guts!"

He got closer I panicked. I snatched it out of his nose and threw it across the compartment. He took a sigh of relief but then I heard a loud SPLAT. Everyone turned over to see the snot covered wand hit James square in the forehead. We then continued to watch as it slowly slid down past his glasses down to the tip of his nose, leaving a greenish trail behind.

We watched as he stared in horror at Sirius' snot started to dry on his face.


	4. The Dream

Chapter 4

James ripped the wand off of his forehead and I swear he turned green like the hulk. He pounced on Sirius and attempted to shove the wand down his throat.

"EAT THE STUPID WAND GODDAMNIT!" He screamed out of anger, pushing it further into Sirius. "SWALLOW IT YOU STUPID SNOT DWELLING JACKASS!" He sat on Sirius started force-feeding the wand the same way you would use a plunger to unclog a toilet.

"James!?"

James stopped choking Sirius with his own snotty wand and looked up at a red haired girl. She stared at him with her striking green eyes.

James was speechless.

"What's that on your forehead?" she asked. "And why are you sitting on an unconscious person? Where is your shirt!?"

She stared for a few more seconds, then decided to get the HELL out of there. James got off of Sirius. I got off my seat and sat down next to his unconscious body. James went over and sat in a slump. Peter scurried over to console him.

I poked his head with my wand. I poked him a little harder. I grabbed Remus' book from him and wacked Sirius with hit. He didn't respond. I handed the book back to Remus who gave me an odd look but didn't say anything.

I rolled Sirius onto his side and started to braid a bit of his hair. It was fun. I did some more. He then had layers of small braids on the right side of his head. I rolled him the other way and braided the other side. I giggled and grabbed some makeup and put it on. When I had finished he had ruby red lips and heavy eyeliner and a fake "beauty mark" on his left cheek.

I grinned. I put two rolls of toilet paper that I found somewhere in his shirt to form a decent sized chest. I turned to Remus and giggled "Hey, Remus! Meet Stella!"

He put down his book and looked at the now female Sirius.

"I am appalled by that."

"Hey James, isn't he a pretty pretty girl?" I turned to James who gave me an odd look.

"No."

I frowned. "Yes he is. Say he's a pretty girl."

"I don't want to."

"Say it!" I sent him a death glare.

He cowered under my angry look. "Sirius is a pretty girl."

"Say you want to kiss him." I added.

"NO WAY!"

"I SAID DO IT!"

"I want to kiss him."

I grinned, happy with myself. "Say you would have sex with him if he wasn't actually a guy."

I heard Remus laugh from behind me. I grinned. James shook his head. "Hell no."

"COME ON! Say you would have sex with Sirius Black if he wasn't actually a guy."

"NO!"

I held my wand up to his face and he stared at it. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Try me! Now say it!"

James' lip quivered. "I….. I….. I would…. Ha-ha-havvvee s-……se-…..se-x… with S-Siri-us B-Bla-ack i-if he was-n't ac-tually a gu-guy."

"Well, as kind as that is Prongs, " Sirius stood up from behind me. "But the fact that you made me unconscious and you are not wearing a shirt is making me worry."

James turned white and I laughed really hard.

Sirius leaned over to the pale James and whispered "Its very nice to know you care, Prongs, but I'm afraid your not my type."

James sent Sirius a death glare. Sirius went and sat beside Remus, and sadly he saw his reflection in the window. He gasped. "I'M GOURGOUS!"

He got a little closer to Remus. "Mooonyyyyy aren't I so prettyyyyy?" He stared rubbing his head on Remus' neck.

"Yes Padfoot, you are a very pretty girl."

I smiled. "See James? Only a REAL man can admit that another man is pretty!" I jumped over and sat beside Remus and did the exact same thing Sirius was doing.

"Remus is SO manly! I bet you'll form a man-crush on him, James," Sirius squealed.

James then took the liberty to send him a very rude gesture in the form of a certain finger sticking up.

Sirius laughed, which caused James to throw Peter at him. Peter flew in the air and he landed right on Sirius.

"Wow." I mused. "A human football."

Sirius looked at me, confused. "what's a football?"

"Muggle game. But, aren't you supposed to KICK a football?" Remus looked at me.

I stared at him like he was insane. What the hell was he talking about? After about a few seconds it finally occurred to me that football meant soccer in Europe. "No back in Canada we call that soccer. Foot ball is different."

"Canadian muggles are stupid," Sirius commented.

"I can stick that wand up your nose again if you like."

Time passed and Sirius eventually fell asleep on Remus' shoulder, and Peter was sleeping on Sirius. Remus was off in his own little book-world. I jumped over to the other side and poked James with my wand.

He ignored me. This is something NO ONE should do. Why? Because it sets off the little kid inside of me.

I poked him again. Nothing. I poked him harder. He didn't respond. "Jaaameessssss?" I mimicked the annoying way that Sirius talks to Remus. He wouldn't talk to me.

I was going to yell at him but I got interrupted by Sirius mumbling something in his sleep. The second it was said James and Remus stared at me, wide eyed, and I turned pale.

I'm sure by now anyone reading this would be wondering, the exact same thing. What did he say?

I'll tell you, but I promise you, it may be disturbing. And for those of you with one of those sick perverted minds, you are going to do wonders with this.

The exact words that came out of his mouth went something like this.

"Yeahhhh….Thats right…… Just like that…… Yeah Sabrina…. JUST LIKE THAT!"


	5. Vortex

I filled up with anger. What was his perverted little mind making me do!?

"Remus, may I borrow your shoe?" I asked kindly.

"No."

"WHAT? WHY NOT!?"

He put down his book and frowned. "Because, I know for a fact that you will use it to harm Sirius in some form of footwear-assassination."

I growled at him. "You are satan in the form of a know it all." But little did he know, I had a plan. I leaped to the ground and attempted to rip off his shoe. I pulled as hard as I could. He didn't seem to notice. Sirius stood up from his seat, yet he was still sleeping. The surprise made me jump back.

"Sirius, what are you-?" Remus got cut off as Sirius grabbed his leg. He then proceeded to forcefully attempt to remove Remus' pants.

"Mooonnyyy, I neeed yooourr pannntsssssss…."

Remus stared, wide eyed at the dozing Sirius trying to pull at the fabric.

"Sirius don't take off Remus' pants!" I heard distant sniggering as I yelled out those words. I looked around; no one was there. I decided it was just my imagination.

"I wanntt your pannnnttssssss!" Sirius mumbled, tugging at Remus' trousers.

"SIRIUS I COMMAND YOU TO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OFF HIS PANTS! Geez, what are you? The pants Nazi!? NO BLOWJOBS ALLOWED ON THE TRAIN YOU PERVERT!"

The drowsy Sirius stood up. "Okay, I'll take off mine then…."I panicked. "SIRIUS DON'T TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS! I DON'T NEED PROOF THAT THERE IS SOMETHING THERE!"

Regardless, Sirius placed his hands on his pants. He shoved them down and I stared in awe.

In the place where his... pride and joy should have been, there was a gaping hole, like a vortex into another universe. "... Wow. Didn't hear about that in sex ed……"

The vortex in Sirius' crotch grew and started to swirl. "HOLY SHIT IT'S THE CROTCH VORTEX!" I blurted out. What the fuck was going on? I was going insane wasn't I?

Remus decided to join in. He shoved down his pants and showed his... very own vortex.

"Hey, Hey moony, mine's bigger than yours." Sirius gloated.

"NO IT'S NOT! MINE'S BIGGER!"

He looked carefully at Sirius' vortex and came to a conclusion. He was going to ask me. "Sabrina, who's is bigger?"

I made a pained face. "I REFUSE TO LOOK AT YOUR CROTCH VORTEXS! YOU DISGUSTING PERVERTS!"

"Go ahead, touch it…." Sirius chanted. I stared, wide eyed at him.

"I don't want to touch it!" I yelled forcefully, a lump in my throat. Come on, you'd be uncomfortable too.

The vortex started to suck me forward. I freaked out, screaming things like "Sirius why is your crotch devouring me!" and "aaaaaaaah! It's the evil crotch coaster of appending doom!"

I was rushing down a tunnel. My hair whipped behind me as I went speeding through the crotch vortex. My eyes suddenly shot open, and I found myself back in the same spot I was before.

I turned bright red as everyone in the compartment was laughing their head off.

"C-C-Crotch vortex! HAHAHA!" James laughed, bent over.

I was dreaming. That would explain the lack of... you know what? I'm not even going to say it. I frowned, trying to come up with a comeback. "Yeah!? Well... WELL... WELL... SHUT UP! I'M GOING OVER THERE!"

I stalked over to the door and opened it with so much force that the windows cracked. I stomped through the hallthing. I was off in my own world. So clearly, something bad was CALLING MY NAME.

I was shaking with anger. Why? Why did I have to dream that? I bet god is sitting up there, laughing. This is funny, isn't it? I bet YOU even laughed. Face it. You did, didn't you? Traitor. I should just stop telling you all this about my life anyway.

….

….

….

….

…. Damn. I feel the urge to move on.

I had walked about halfway down the train until I realized I left my wand back in the compartment. I growled. There was NO way I was going to go back there and experience the laughter...

A girl about my age walked by, and an idea popped in my head. "Excuse me!" I called.

Her short blond hair whipped around as she turned to face me. She was pretty, and that would help with my plan. "Yes?"

"My name is Sabrina Capp, and... I have a favour to ask..."


	6. Swearing, Blood, and Perverts

"Ready?" I asked, facing who I discovered to be named Catherine. She nodded. I was actually surprised when she agreed to do this for me. Judging by her outgoingness, I think we could be pretty good friends. "When I say go..."

I watched through the window secretively. Sirius, Peter and James were still sniggering together. I didn't see Remus, and that worried me.

Regardless, I signaled Catherine to go. She nodded, and lifted her shirt in front of the compartment window. Sirius noticed first, and jumped up and opened the door and raced after Catherine as she ran down the hall. James followed suit and Peter went running along behind them.

Men are pigs. Disgusting crap dwelling pigs.

I snuck in and reached for my wand, when I heard someone. "What are you doing?"

The sound of Remus' voice scared the hell out of me. "AAAHH WHAT THE CRAP!?" I went faceplanting into the window. "OH FUCK!"

I stood up and felt the blood spill out of my nose. "FUCK THE FUCKING FUCKERS WHO FUCKING FUCKED THE SHIT BITCH WHO CAME UP WITH THESE NOSEBLEEDS FUCK!" I think I used the word too many times so it stopped making sense, but I went on anyway. "AW FUCK! FUCKING FUCK! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY THE FUCK THOSE FUCKERS FUCKING DECIDED THAT THIS FUCKING SHIT WAS-FUCKKKKK!"

Remus stared at me intently. "Wow. You said fuck 14 times."

"FUCK YOU, FUCKING FUCKER IT FUCKING WAS A FUCKING 15 FUCKING TIMES YOU FUCKHEAD!"

"22."

"YOU FUCKHEAD! YOU FUCKING SCARED THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF ME! WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU MAKE PEOPLE AWARE THAT YOU ARE FUCKING READING THERE BEFORE YOU FUCKING SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR FUCKING BODIES! HOOOLY FUCK THERE IS A LOT OF BLOOD HERE! WHY AM I FUCKING YELLING THE FUCKING WORD FUCK SO FUCKING MUCH?"

"That's about 36 now." The rest of them piled in but stopped when they saw me on the floor in the fetal position in a pool of blood.

"So...So much…. Blood…. Why…. Why won't it stop?"

"Moony, why did you kill Sabrina?" James asked, going to sit down on the seat.

Sirius bent down and poked me. "You know, I heard periods suck, but I didn't know there would be this much blood…."

"YOU JACKASS! REMUS SCARED THE BLOODY FUCK OUT OF ME SO I RAN INTO THE WINDOW AND HIT MY NOSE!"

"why would you walk into a window? What are you, a moron?" Sirius asked, poking me harder.

"LISTEN YOU FUCKING FUCKHEAD! I'LL FORCEFULLY CASTRATE YOU IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!" I threatened, sitting up.

"No you won't."

"YES I FUCKING WILL!"

"No, seriously, you wont."

"AND WHY THE FUCK NOT?"

"Because, in order to do that, I'd have to take off my pants, then that will crush your vortex theory."

I shook with anger. Blood streaming down from my nose, I reached back and swung at Sirius' face. I was surprised I actually hit him.

He covered his nose with his hands. His eyes were wide as I saw a stream of blood flow through the parts inside his fingers. I suddenly felt guilty. "Oh... er… um… s-sorry... about... that..."

He moved away his hands and revealed a sly smirk that was really ho-... evil...

"W-w-why are you looking at me like that!?" Sirius lifted his hand and edged toward the shirt I was wearing. My eyes widened as he wiped his disgusting blood all over it. "EW! NOSE BLOOD! YUCK! EW EW EW!"

James jumped up off the seat and screamed. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY SHIRT!?"

"Booger blood!" Peter pointed out.

I stared in horror as I realized that this blood was almost as bad as the gum thing. Almost. "OH PERFECT! NOW I'VE GOT SIRIUS SPIT, HAIR, PROBABLY PUBIC HAIR ALSO INSIDE OF ME, AND NOW HIS DISGUSTING NOSE CRAP TOO! THIS IS SUCKINESS TO THE EXTREME!"

James decided to be a jackass and chimed in "That means Sirius is inside of you in almost 5 different ways."

I growled and grabbed Sirius' bloody hand. I held it up to his mouth and commanded. "Sirius, spit in your hand."

He gave me a weird look, but did it anyway. I told him to shove it in his pants. He stared at me wide eyed. "Do it." I urged.

"I don't want to look like a freaking public masturbator!"

I sent him a pleading look and he agreed. Stuffing his hand in his pants, Sirius made the oddest face ever. I commanded him to take it out, he complied. I took his arm and moved it towards James.

"Don't you dare!" He warned. I grew the same sly smirk Sirius had and wiped his hand across James' face, which left a bit of a trail of reddish liquid.

James had a look of pure evil on his face. He pulled at the sleeve of his shirt and yelled. "GIVE ME BACK MY SHIRT BITCH!" at the exact time Lily walked by the compartment again. She wouldn't have looked surprised if Ronald McDonald came over and started to slowly have sex with Barney when she saw James trying to rip off my/his shirt.

"JAMES YOU PERVERT!" She screamed, and stormed off.

There was silence until Sirius looked at me and said, "Pervert?"

I looked back at him and replied, "Pervert..." We looked at eachother for ten seconds, nodded, then turned back to James. We pointed, our arms fully extended, and spoke in perfect unison; "Pervert."


End file.
